Crocheting another sweater - this time in a fingering weight fine wool that I obtained from a barter, to make an infant's size.
Reading -
Soil and Sacrament - this was perfect timing for me as I have been in a very low place lately - so completely not my usual upbeat, positive self. I have been struggling to get through each day, each moment really. There are probably many, many reasons and some are probably too personal to get into here. But I will say that our family is at a place of change. This business has become more than I can handle or want to handle or maybe it is just that it isn't where my gifts are being utilized. My brain has been overloaded for too long.
I think that maybe I need to simplify so that I can be a wife and mom which includes cook, baker, facilitator, homekeeper, grower, giver, preserver, etc...
Perhaps part of my struggle is our family's isolation both geographically and because of many of our counter-culture lifestyle choices.
So back to the book - the author shares his own experiences on his quest to find an authentic life, asking himself - What does it mean to follow God? and How should my life reflect this? He discovers that faith is expressed in the work of his hands as well as minds and hearts and that in community we can feed a hungry world. That word - community - I know that is what is missing in our family's life. So we find ourselves seekers right now, wondering if it is possible to find more of a community besides this online world and wondering where this seeking towards a more authentic life will lead us.
Joining in with Ginny.
Dear Tonya...I understand your struggles so well. At the time when our Etsy shop was supporting our family, it was a major struggle for me to cope with the amount of work it required of me, because I felt torn between that and my desire to be a homemaker and mother. And now that I live on a homestead like you do, and have animals to care for, not to mention a huge garden in the summer...I truly don't think I could handle a busy Etsy shop on top of everything else. I am grateful that our shop is relatively quiet these days, even though frankly we need the money! Homeschooling alone takes up several hours per day- I don't have time to spend a few hours doing up packages, and I bet you don't either.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for working as hard as you do and for giving so much of yourself for your family. But I think you are right to be questioning if your gifts are being used in the best way. It is ever a possibility that Mike could take some extra work off-farm so that you could scale down the business and devote yourself more to your passions? I hope you are able to find some answers that work for you. You are a wonderful person and deserve peace and happiness as much as any member of your family. :)
I also hear what you are saying about community. Yes, we too feel very isolated out in the country, especially in the winter when we are snowed in half the time! We long for community with like-minded people. I know it must be out there - but it is hard work these days to find it. People like us, who cherish long-forgotten values and customs, are the minority, even in the country. Thank God at least for the Internet. :)
Laura,
DeleteThank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I think there is much wisdom in what you say and one of the things we are considering is getting back to a more holistic approach to how we earn our money so that it doesn't all fall on the etsy business.
Thinking of you and wishing we were neighbors.
Love, Tonya
Looks like a really interesting book! I'm putting it on my goodreads!
ReplyDeleteTonya,
ReplyDeleteI completely understand what you are saying about the isolation and being with like minded people. I feel so lonely during the winter months..I usually blame it on not being outside and with green all around me. .and we live close to people well we have neighbors but they are not Christians and not people we would want to be around daily..so sad. I was just telling my husband I wish there was a young couple with teens that we could go to lunch with after church..there isn't we are almost the youngest family..we could leave our small church ..but for some reason God wants us there and we like it:)
My youngest daughter she will be 17 and I home school her but hardly find time for other things. I have been trying to work on our Ebay and Etsy shops but doing it full time and home schooling and be a mom ugh...it is so hard..you inspire me daily...
I hope your not being to hard on yourself Tonya you have a full plate...
I will be on the look out for your book it sounds really good!!
Thank you for your kind thoughts, I really do appreciate it - to know that others do sometimes struggle with similar things.
DeleteLove, Tonya
I think I will write about community soon. For us it is so very hard as well. I always say that we are searching for "our people" or "our tribe". We are blessed to have a family of customers and CSA members on our farm that share alot of like minded principals...but we are very much nonconformists...and finding what I sometimes calls us.. a bunch of backwoods redneck hippie christians haha.. can well be really hard...we long for friends sometimes.. even when we are surrounded by folks at market etc.. I sometimes feel like a loner with lots of "so-called" friends.. but no rich.. deep.. friends.. if that makes sense. I wonder how close you are too me? Email me please :) at fortsvillecreekfarm@gmail.com much love
DeleteTonya, I cannot begin to imagine the life you have, so many demands on you. I am sorry that your inner resources are being challenged as well. Despite the blessings that living purposely brings there is a deep human need to be part of a "community'. Being isolated, away from the support of friends and family can be so very damaging to our mental health. I hope that this darkness will pass and you will not feel so overwhelmed. Some days you really need a friend to drop over for a hot drink and some conversation...hoping for a day like that soon for you.
ReplyDeleteYes Carrie - you are so right - Our good homesteading friends and neighbors moved away almost two years ago now - they were like an anchor for us and we really miss them. I know that we will work through this.
DeleteWarmly,
Tonya
Very pretty sweater! The pink is so Spring like, which we need among all the grey winter. I think a lot of us find ourselves questioning our place in life every once in a while. Good that you are feeling it and trying to see if you can get to the bottom of it - and I'm sure you will be able to find the balance you seek. Peace.
ReplyDeleteAs Moms I believe we are always struggling for balance.......some seasons are easier then others. I admire you for running a family business and a family and I pray you find that balance! And may God give you the peace only He can give! I love your cute baby knit .....so sweet!
ReplyDeleteThis past summer, we moved to a small town in Montana. I did some dreaming about buying property and maybe building a home. But, this small town living has been enough isolation for me. I honestly don't think I could make it farther out. I have days where I struggle (probably looking at too many pretty blogs). I am not a natural mother. I find being nurturing and homeschooling to be a lot of hard work. I am constantly in a battle with my inner woman. But, when I stop and pray and meditate on my life, I know what is true and pure and purposeful. I know if I was gone in a moment, I could be perfectly content with this life.
ReplyDeleteBecause I enjoy your blog so much, I would like to encourage you to remember (I know it's hard to do when you're down) that these painful emotions are a gift to teach and lead you to where you need/want to be. They aren't one of God's more "fun" gifts, but they are a gift nonetheless. I find that my faith and love for God allows me to feel happy even when I am terribly sad, because I revere and trust and love God so much. I am amazed at all he can do and I know he will keep me safe in his love (even if my body or spirit or both are broken). Wishing you a big, fat, heart-felt hug!
ReplyDeleteYou are right Kerri! I really needed that reminder. I am truly joyful even during the struggle but as you said it is helpful to remember that the struggle is to get to the better and to grow and learn.
DeleteThinking of you.
Love, Tonya
I know this isn't related to your blog for today, but I was curious if you sell your items at craft shows?
ReplyDeleteThe feelings of isolation and being disconnected - I can painfully relate.....thinking today, while I am in my cube, is this really what the lord has asked me to do with my life, or is the pull and discomfort that I am experiencing his gentle hand nudging me out of complacency and into a greater purpose. If I hush my mind long enough to allow the wistful, childlike joy of free thought to enter and give permission to my adult responsible mind to wander long enough to wonder the possibilities....then like an encouraging hug from above, my mood lightens and my smile returns. Give yourself the permission to experience the what ifs...and allow your mind to soar!!
ReplyDeletei hear you Tonya, and I feel the sadness & concern in your voice and your words. i'm sorry that this is a hard time for you. as i said to my partner earlier today, "swimming upstream is so, so, so hard". and there's no doubt about it - it's so very hard. so hard that it makes us question our conscious choices sometimes, that's for sure. you give so many gifts to your children and to yourself every day through the choices you make and the authenticity you seek. your children are so lucky to have you as their mom.
ReplyDelete