Monday, February 24, 2014

A Week of Suffering

I would call this past week a week of suffering.  No, nothing really serious, but more a series of hardships.  

First we lost one of our beloved ducks.  While the four swam in the overflow water at the edge of the pond, we  think a predator (fox?) came and took her.  So now the three ducks will spend the rest of the winter safely (but not as happily) in their house.

Next, on Monday, Emily came down with a high fever, spiking over 104 degrees when not on ibuprofin.  We did take her to see the pediatrician on Wednesday to confirm that yes, very likely she had the flu.  This was a first for Mike and I to experience as parents.  We sure can be thankful for the likes of ibuprofin to give her little body a rest.  Thursday, Abraham succomed.  Emily is back to herself after four days of this very high fever and we are hopeful that Abraham is showing signs today of the fever not spiking quite as high and he is on his way to feeling 100%.  Needless to say, Mike and I are very tired.  But really in the scope of life and possibilities, this is such a minor blip.  It gave us the opportunity to nurture them a little more, read more books, rub their heads, and just hold them close.

And finally, probably the hardest thing, has been Mike and I coming to terms with the realization that the way we are living isn't working for either of us.  While we moved to Vermont to live a simpler life, it was really all along, my dream, not his.   He was going along with my plans because he simply couldn't make any after losing his job nearly 14 years ago.  So, as we have learned and grown and enjoyed so many aspects of our life, it is clear that he is not an entrepreuner and he and I have very different outlooks on life.  I look to each new day and see amazing possibilities and he looks to each new day and hopes to get through it with as few challenges as possible.  

In addition, our business really kind of just grew and grew without either of us planning for that to happen.  Mike doesn't enjoy the work for the most part and he is even allergic to saw dust.   

I am having a hard time handling all of the responsibilities that come with running a full-time business, family, homestead, homeschooling, etc....  My brain is overloaded and I feel weighed down far too often.    

Yes, we do love each other and in many ways compliment one another, but the life we are leading now will be changing.  I have begun to mourn my vision for a holistic family business and lifestyle knowing that I can't do it without an equal enthusiastic partner.    I know that it will all be ok and that God has plans for us - good plans - but for right now I am learning to let go and embrace the change that will come as Mike finds himself and I will be there by his side to support him along the way.

25 comments:

  1. Oh Tonya...I have nothing to offer you than a virtual hug and lots of light sent your way. I will be thinking of you and your family lots in the coming weeks.
    xo Jules

    ReplyDelete
  2. Prayers for you in this time sweet mama. Xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending you and your family peaceful, healing wishes as you navigate this transition!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Tonya, I'm so sorry you have been suffering, but I'm glad to hear that you are open to positive change.

    I can relate to everything you have been feeling lately. We have had hard times on our farm this winter, as a neighbour's dog killed 15 of our laying hens, some of which were very special to us. Then the neighbours were rude to us and didn't want to pay to replace the hens. Right after that, our furnace broke down and needed to be replaced, and my husband hit a patch of ice and smashed up his truck. Life can be so hard at times. We also have the flu right now, too! I thought I would have to go to the hospital myself, the other night as my fever was dangerously high - ibuprofen did bring it down though.

    And the other issue - oh boy do I understand. After moving to our dream property in the country, it didn't take me long to realize that my husband and I had different ideas about things. Like you, I want to dive into projects, work hard, and make this old place into something to be really proud of. I have such visions! My husband isn't very interested in hard work - I think he mostly wanted to live in the country because he enjoys the peace and quiet and seclusion. He finds city life, and being around people, stressful. So naturally we are always each displeased with the other when the issue of farm projects comes up...it's hard! I have had to learn to let a lot of my dreams and ideas go and just make do with what I have today.

    I say all this not to complain, but to let you know that you are not alone, that others suffer some of the same things...that you are understood. I'm sending hugs your way Tonya, and a prayer that more peace and happiness will find its way into your life soon!

    Love Laura

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thinking of you all. If one or both of you is unhappy, "living the dream" isn't really living the dream at all. I believe we can each be happy in many different situations - there isn't just the one. Wishing you all the very best for finding something that works for all of you and I'm absolutely sure you will find opportunities and fulfillment for yourself - probably in the most unlikely ways! Really, just such huge congratulations for tackling this and wanting the change for the better enough to do something about it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Glad the sickness is going away hope everyone is feeling their best real soon. I hope the best for you and Mike as you figure out what it is that you need to do. All the best wishes to you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, bad things come in threes and you listed three, so here is hoping to more light in your life this week. I am sorry to hear that the perfect life you poured your heart into creating is not going as planned, but it is good that you are open to figuring out and seeing what will work best for you family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It can be hard to share our suffering, I admire you for doing so. Perhaps there is a way to sell your current business that can help bring future dreams to fruition. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Glad the kids are feeling better, sorry to hear about your duck. This is a hard season, but God will carry you through. He is doing things behind the scenes above and beyond what we can imagine.
    I learned a prayer that has really helped me...."Lord I am willing to be made willing ----fill in the blank----" It takes the heart change out of my hands/responsibility, and lets Him do His thing. It is wonderful to have Him change my heart and my will. Helps to keep me from striving, too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. well, Tonya and Laura Jeanne, it must be the season for it because me three on the equal partnerships and different dream thing. We're making a lot of changes too. Maybe we can all remember each other in prayer, having a special understanding of how that feels? I'm not going to use the hard words that spring into my throat ... but I'm guessing you know them :( We just need to remember God's got it covered, I guess. Prayers for you both ... Jackie x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Tonya,
    I know we moved about the same time. Guess what? We are going to put our place on the market too. I have developed some health problems that won't enable me to do the hard work required to hobby farm. My husband, while he loves the peace and tranquility of our property is 57 and while in great shape, isn't really enjoying the upkeep of the property. It is neverending! All this quality time together you will spend never materializes as your always busy working. Plus his job will be going bye bye the end of the year after 32 years! Really, to be in harmony with one another means there needs to be a meeting of the dreams and then following that journey together. We hope to find more community (this one has none!) closer to our family and church (we travel 40 minutes for that!). Being on a farm or being rural doesn't make one a farmer--it is a state of the heart and mind, and if one isn't on board then what good is it. I could say so much more , but know we are at similiar crossroads and I do understand! I thought living the Tasha Tudor dream would be amazing, but guess what? Tasha had money and lots of it. She had gardeners, landscapers, HELP! So, all that to say....keep you guys in my prayers and keep us in yours:-) Look forward to the story God will write for your future.

    ReplyDelete
  12. God bless you and guide you as you go through this challenging time.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Tonya, you are very brave! I do hope that you and your husband can find a new path on which you will both feel fully content. Sending love your way, Sarah xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Tonya, I understand the fear in a mama's heart when your little ones are sick with a high fever. I am so glad to hear everyone is well.
    Sending you hugs and love and peace in this time of transition for your family. Change can be hard, but can also be for the best. We also went through some major changes 3 1/2 years ago, when Sun was born and Andy changed careers completely to be home. It was a bit of a struggle, and doubts would creep in- but today we are so much better off than we were.
    You're all in my thoughts. All will be well.

    ReplyDelete
  15. l'm sure this was very difficult to write. From a hard prune though, often comes the most abundant fruit. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thinking of you, Life is hard praying you find some peace

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dear Tonya, I know you have been working through these feelings and decisions for a while now, and I hope you are both feeling some peace and light as you continue on your path.
    And I hope all little ones are all better soon! We went through a very high fever with Chessa a couple years ago, hallucinations and everything, scary, and all just fine in the end.
    Really everything will all be just right in the end :)
    Much love to you,
    Renee <3

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sorry to hear about all the troubles and heartache. I highly recommend ordering some Plague Defense essential oil blend from Heritage essential oils (.com). It has been great for knocking out the flu in our family this year. It can be applied to the feet for little ones or taken in an empty capsule for big ones. It will work for anything viral and even stomach bugs. This along with their Warrior blend to use for an antibiotic for anything bacterial is our winter medicine chest. I have treated most of the family and many friends for something with these two blends this winter.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for sharing, Tonya. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers as your go through these changes. I am hopeful that God's new plan for your family will reveal itself at just the right time.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you for sharing this Tonya. I had to grieve something similar like this years ago with my husband, and while it was tough to see that in certain places we were not on the same page, it was equally important for me to see him find something that did feel fulfilling. hold on to those visions and dreams, as your kids, you never know who might be willing to dream the same dreams you are :).

    ReplyDelete
  21. praying for you sweet Mama! In following your husband, I am sure that the Lord will greatly bless you..and he knows your talents and creativity and heart..he has dreams bigger then we could ever dream up for ourselves. praying for you this week!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh, my dear, as I read this my heart ached for you both. The Mister and I are in the same place. He has no real desire to "work on a farm" as much as "live on a farm." You understand there is a difference.

    For us, it is a matter of each of us working on what we both love -- his music and my farm --- in the way that makes sense for us. This means I have let go of the farmer's market and developing the farm as a business venture and focus instead on how I can best feed us with what I am able to raise and do here with pleasure. I will still make soap to sell at special venues, but I will not be working 24-weeks at a farmer's market. I will still have blueberries to sell, but will hire my help and not ask his help. It is finding a balance.

    Sending prayers for all you -..

    ReplyDelete
  23. Tonya - So many hugs for you. We have been going through serious struggles here too - changes in our business, losing customers, struggles with town inspectors (when we'd never had any before), getting verbally attacked by people I don't even know, etc . . . whew. Through it all, we've drawn closer together, and it has forced us to remember the things most important to us -it sounds like you are doing the same, and I'm so glad that you are doing it together, whatever your future may hold. Also, you've learned a lot on your journey - none of that will be wasted. Very intrigued to see what you and your family may do next - love and prayers to you along the bumpy way.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough, it's that time of year I think when things feel tiring and winter isn't done. I know I've questioned myself so often these last weeks and wondered just what am I doing here?! Hopefully spring will bring a new perspective and you'll begin again to see and feel the rewards of life once more.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts. It's so nice to read something like this while feeling exactly the same way. For us, it's a matter of knowing something has to change but not knowing how to go about it. I'm afraid that in our search for a simpler lifestyle, all we have managed to do is complicate things. I look forward to hearing what decisions you make and how you go about it, if you are willing to share that as well.

    ReplyDelete